Lateral Licensing

Recently, a good friend of mine (who, as it happens - is the co-creator of this site) attempted to achieve the rarefied status of a licensed scooter operator. That he failed spectacularly will be referred to from time-to-time in a number of blogs I should imagine, but will not be the focus of this one. Rather, I'm going to explain to you how a proactive and highly lateral expansion of the philosophy of licensing will cure society of its ills.

There are many things I cannot stand. Here is a selection:

• I don't like people who whistle on trains;
• I don't like people who see the need to plaster "f*ck off, where(sic) full" stickers on their cars;
• I don't like people who don't keep to the left on busy stair wells;
• I don't like people who enjoy commercial radio;
• I don't like people who are cruel (or even simply unkind) to animals;
• I don't like people who become violent or obnoxious when drunk;
• I don't like people who use crowds as an excuse for mindless behaviour; and
• I don't like people who cannot bring their bins in on the day the bin is emptied.

I could go on indefinitely. But instead, I'm going to license Australia right up the jacksie.

The scope for large-scale social reform is nothing short of staggering.

Feel the need to change lanes incessantly in the inane hope that you might cut a few seconds of your journey? Well, you might just struggle to get a driver's license under my new regime. Like whistling on the Choo-Choo? Sorry, no train license. Like getting pissed and breaking things? Sorry fella, I'm going to have to revoke your drinking license. Like having a smoke when playing a round of eighteen? Well, sure as Stanley, you're going to have some trouble securing your golfing license. English tourist? Sorry, no beach license for you.

The nay-sayers will scoff, and cry foul that I'm creating a nanny-state. My response? Folks, you've just lost your blogging and internet comment licenses.

There are great days ahead.