Sport - A Lateral Solution to Faunal Extinction

We love our sport in Australia. We love sport more than we love our mothers. Heck, we love sport even more than we'd love our mothers if they were good at sport; that's how much sport means to us.

We like the environment, too. When I say we like the environment, I mean I'm fairly certain that, by and large, we're not displeased with the fact that it exists. Few of us go around advocating that a world sans environment would be a step forward. For a start, we need somewhere to play sport.

It's not a secret that the sum total of Australian native animal species is plummeting faster than the Australian Dollar. And the way I see it, the solution is simple; if sport and nature become synchronous, then by the decade's end, we'll be eating koalas that have been stuffed with numbats just to thin out their numbers. How? It is herewith proposed that all sporting teams in Australia be re-named after animals whose species is currently on the critical list.

Sorry, Bombers; you're now the Western Desert Quolls. Magpies? Alas, no; it's up the mighty Cassawarries from now on. Think about it; if you were a proud Quolls fan, would you be happy about your namesake becoming extinct? I doubt it. I reckon you and your club would move Heaven and Earth - which ironically translates to leaving Heaven and Earth largely alone - to ensure the survival of your favourite critter.

The only downside I can see it that to accomodate all species on the critical list, we're going to need to move beyond the AFL's current plans, and look to be having a competition with about 13,000 teams by 2020. Given our national obesity crisis, that it looks like we'll all be in pre-season training pretty soon is hardly a problem. Personally, I can't wait for this Friday's game; the Spotted Owls are going to give the Yellow-Eyed Tree Frogs an absolute pasting.