The Lateral Luge

There can be no mistake; the luge is a very dangerous sport. The tragic death of young Georgian athlete, Nodar Kumaritashvili in training for his event at the Winter Olympics certainly verifies this notion.

And even if this unfortunate man had not lost his life, the danger of the sport is still clearly evident. It essentially involves hurling oneself down a frozen particle accelerator, on a skateboard, wearing what amounts to little more than high-tech long underwear. It had to be a soul with lateral leanings to invent such a sport.

I've been mulling over how to make this sport safer. There seem to be several possibilities. The first that springs to mind is to drastically reduce the incline of descent, to something virtually horizontal. Granted, the sport will not be quite as captivating to those who come to watch men and women in body stockings break the sound barrier, but I think a slower descent could really highlight the artistry involved in, well, lying flat and going (ever-so-slightly) downhill.

Perhaps an additional aesthetic component could be included in judging the event. Lying down need not be simply a rigid act of aerodynamics and, God-Willing, self preservation. Those competing could perhaps do other things on the way down, such as juggle, possibly, or try and shoot things. I mean, if you can shoot from skis, why not the luge? It surely gives pause for thought.

The other possibility, I believe is not only the safest, but the most exciting. Logically, the only way to ensure that competitors are not risking their lives pursuit of Olympic Gold is to ensure that prior to competing, they are already deceased.

It does not seem to be an impossibility. The aim of the luge seems largely to feign rigor mortis in an attempt to survive a preposterous plummet. Surely, departed souls have an advantage in this area. The risk to life is precisely zero. To this end, the descent could be made seriously steep. I mean practically vertical. You could send athletes over chasms. The descent could begin from a platform built stratospherically high. Forget the breaking of the sound barrier; the light-speed barrier could be given a nudge.

Furthermore, many nations have tremendous candidates who could compete right now. What with nationalist sentiment (and an alarming revisionist history) growing in Russia, if Joseph Stalin were to claim a gold medal, celebrations would erupt of a like not seen since the halcyon days of Sputnik. And if winning meant he had to defeat Ferdinand Marcos, Ho Chi Min and Walt Disney, the glory would only be greater.

I know it's a radical idea, and people may accuse me of poor taste, but think of the final possibility. Nodar, whose sporting career is thought now to be behind him, may still yet be able to taste the great success he surely dreamed of for so long. Nations will start preserving their national heroes, rather than simply disposing of them, in the hope that one last glory may yet await them. Imagine the celebrations India would see if at the 2118 games, Sachin Tendulkar were to claim the gold. I tell you, it'd be something to see.

They say death is just a part of life. When it's a part of the Olympics in the context of triumph as well as tragedy, then I'll believe them.