Laterally "on fire"

I don't think its presumptuous to suppose that the vast majority of those who enter the AFL commentary box - having once pulled on the boots as players - didn't exactly excel at English (or, Heaven-forbid, Literature) at school. In fact, it sometimes seems that some are called upon to offer "expert opinions" in what I can only assume is not their first language. Or if it is their first language, they've spent pretty much their entire lives sans language, which really is alarming.

What's to be done? A simple solution might be to, you know, actually find out if those seeking to be commentators are sufficiently conversant in the English. Granted, they can't all be Dennis Cometti (www.dailydennis.com) but surely it's not too much to ask that they are a little more communicative than a chimp smearing faeces.

However meritorious this vetting process might prove, it neither goes far enough, nor is it lateral enough. Instead, it is hereby proposed that all AFL players must demonstrate a high level of linguistic competence before they are actually allowed to play in the AFL.

What's not to like about this plan? Nothing! Imagine how much better a player Chris Judd would be if he'd read Proust! Imagine how much more you'd respect his efforts, knowing that he had! Consider if Alan Didak or Ben Cousins had read Dostoyevsky; both might have learnt a few things that could have done them no end of good. (Or made things worse; it's hard to tell with those two.)

Forget the beep test - bring on a rigorous examination of their grammatical knowledge. And by rigorous, I mean that I'd like to know more than whether or not they know that "brang" is not a word. I'd like to know more than if they're aware that a split infinitive is not a knee-related injury requiring four to six weeks on the sidelines.

Now, I'll grant you, not all those who can kick a ball around will necessarily be able to read a novel by Patrick White. As far as I'm concerned, that's just the way the cookie crumbles. Let the adroit also be the erudite, or let them go and do something else. At least this way, come the time of retirement, all players will be able to enter the commentary box without fear of subtracting from the sum total of human culture. Those who don't might also be able to keep themselves occupied in a comparatively wholesome manner. I'm not saying that former players have a tendency to go off the rails. Rather, I'm suggesting that they tend to steal whatever rails they can find and sell their purloined steel to scrap-metal merchants in order to live unsoundly. For shame.

Let a lateral approach to literature fortify the world of football. And let the next time I hear the phrase "he's literally on fire" be when I bump into Dwayne Russell in hell.