The Lateral Olympics

The biathlon at the Winter Olympics has got to be one of the stranger sporting combinations. I recall hearing Robin Williams describe it as Amish drive-by. It's a point well made. But even given the esoteric pairing of cross country skiing and shooting, for the lateralist, such a pairing ought to be the tip of the iceberg.

Why not pair all sports at random? If events for the biathlon, triathlon, pentathlon, heptathlon and decathlon were selected by pure chance, the possibilities are simply glorious. Imagine trying to prepare for a triathlon, when the three sports were a 1500 metre swim, discuss and equestrian? Imagine the weightlifters, having lugged upwards of half a ton on their shoulders having to try not make too much of a splash as they plummet from the 10 metre springboard? I'd pay to see that. (And I'd bring my own towel.)

Doesn't really make too much sense to spend hours and hours (and stacks of money) on preparing for an as-yet-unknown sport, does it? And that's the point.

Far too much money is spent on sport. Granted, even spending all the world's money on sport is certainly still saner than spending it on nuclear weapons or, say, James Blunt albums, but it is still not quite as sensible as investing in the curing of disease, alleviating world hunger or negotiating the challenges of an all-too-rapidly changing climate.

To that end, I think an even more lateral solution is not to select the sport at random, but to select the athletes at random. An international Olympic lottery, whereby all nations send fifty randomly selected folk to compete in, say, ten sports each. That would really determine which is the greatest sporting nation on earth. Granted, you might lose a few computer programmers in the yachting, or the hammer throw, but the national pride such self-sacrifice would engender would be well worth it. And yes, it is possible that certain, large and largely undemocratic nations might simply compel all citizens to constantly train for a myriad of sports just to ensure success, but that kind of churlishness is really no more pathetic than any nation that seeks to feed its soul through triumph, rather than feed its citizens.

To be honest, if my name came up, I'd be terrified. Especially if it required horse-riding. But I'd give it a go. The Olympics is, when it comes down it, a wonderful idea. A lateral approach just might engender the spirit so often spoken in a light previously thought impossible. An elderly man, hoisting a few kilograms to his frail shoulders in a bid for Olympic gold.

I'd pay to see that.