A Lateral Parliament

This election is certainly the dullest I've seen, and just to put things into context, I once paid extremely close attention to the tussle for President at the East Fremantle Bowling Club. (For the record, bowls is everybody's game.)

So, I reckon I'll ignore it for the moment. As dull as it is, we will end up with a Prime Minister and a Parliament come what may. And they'll behave like idiots.

Politicians have a lot things about which they should feel guilty, and the general conduct of Federal Parliamentarians is one of those things. It really is no wonder the majority of Australians are cynical to the point of contempt for those whom they elect to represent them.

I'm fairly certain they wouldn't carry on that way outside of Parliament (Wilson Tuckey aside), so why do they do it inside? It's a vexing question, but rather than ponder it, I'm just going to go right ahead and fix it.

It is hereby decreed that a creche be built on the floor of the Senate and the House of Representatives.

It is an insane irony, but if you place policitians in a room full of small children, they will stop acting like children, and model the kind of behaviour they ought have been displaying from the outset. So, we'll let our nation's future moderate the conduct of those in charge with setting the course of our nation's future. If you want to open your gob in Parliament, you must have a toddler in your arms. And if you start making less sense - or start showing less self-control - than the young 'un in your arms, you get to sit down. And you get a pacifier shoved between your gums. And if you throw a tanty, you'll be dealt with in a manner commensurate with your policies.

So, if Bob Brown steps out of line, he gets a hug, a pot-bottle and a crystal shoved up his clacker. Tony Abbot gets locked below decks off the coast of Nehru. Wilson Tuckey gets shot in the balls, and I make no apology for that.

Politicians only have to look at their own conduct if ever they wish to better understand why the public has so little time for them. But with a little help from generation Z, they might just learn how to behave themselves. And it not, we'll just replace them with Gen Z sooner rather than later. They'll hardly behave any worse than their predecessors. The odd dump under the back benches might seem a bit on the nose, but Wilson's dribbled shit from back there for years. If a senile redneck can get away with it, why not an infant? And I bet the breast-feeding laws will finally get the overhaul they so badly need.

It'll be like Lord of the Flies, only cooler. And the Wiggles' version of Advance Australia Fair is a must-listen. Trust me. It's for the best.